About Me

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I'm a child of an alcoholic, ex of an alcoholic and current "lover" of a straight edged man living, learning, loving and struggling my way through life one breath at a time.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Back on Track

There are those times in life when your world seems to pour with bad news. It is how we handle the flooding that defines the "self" of each of our futures.





Coming Up for Air was intended as a place to come to get thoughts out of my brain and where I wished to feel like I am breathing fresh air again. You know, the tingling sensations that dreams, love and passion bring to life.

The purpose was to let go, be at peace an move on while allowing a community of like minded people with similar histories to converge for resources, discussion an support.

To this point I feel I have done an inadequate job of offering the basis to my purpose. At the time I started this voyage I was in a cloud of what my past had transformed me into and blamed my alcoholic father. I was in fact just angry. Life is made up of different tests an choices, decision making and living in the present can greatly increase wisdom in the soul.

After finding out some interesting health related news yesterday I have once again been reminded of the importance of a group of supportive friends. So in the spirit of I'm Coming Up For Air's initial purpose, I am going to tear down the wall I've built and open up to anyone interested in listening and joining in.

Starting now I will use this as my venting and growing ground. I hope not to offend anyone, but please understand this is raw, real and me. Please share your experiences too!

~Deep breath~

Here we go....

-Rikki

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Internal Battle

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm in one of those phases. You know. The ones where you know what you want, but what you want isn't really want, its a temporary solution....or maybe it isn't?

Choices. We all have to make them.

I'm at the crossroad of choices. I feel empowered. I feel confused. I feel guilty. I feel angry. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel trapped and I feel free.

I'm aware I have options, but I don't know how to get from feeling guilty and angry to letting go. If I let go, will accept and move past the guilt or will I revert back and grieve again? Have I really even grieved yet? How many times do I have to grieve? What is grieving?

I have things I do to let go, I talk about those because it helps me move forward, but lately I feel myself wanting to turn to the path of alcohol and "fun" decisions. No responsibilities, no cares. Decisions that are in the moment and living life to the fullest. In reality it is difficult to distinguish between true fun and bad decisions.

I question why bad and fun tend to coincide in my reality? Is it because that is what I observed growing up? Is it because that is what is predetermined in my genes? Is it both? We may never know. But I do believe this. On a scale of denial to freedom, I still linger between loneliness and guilt. I'm not sure what grief truly is, but I know my pasture of emotions needs to be explored by an outsider. By an expert.

Although I am unsure of my future, but I in all confidence I am a smart, dedicated woman in a stable and functioning state. Nonetheless, I am simultaneously a "grieving" disaster of sorts.

No doubt, I have been completely heartbroken in various ways. Few of the people closest to me have had a small glimpse into my reality and the truth of what I lived. For the most part I have kept the truth far from willing ears to protect my own feelings being vulnerable to the few who could, and would, use them against me in inappropriate and out of context manners.

So, it may be no surprise that I am confused. How is it that I hate and despise ones who hurt me so deeply, yet I still yearn for them while simultaneously loving and cherishing the one I have, yet hate him for not being what I want?

I am breaking down and don't know how to stop it. Part of me wants to find a way stop it, because I can if I choose. However, I have 2 choices. Stay with someone I respect and love or move forward and face the unknown based on feelings of confusion and resentment, warranted or not?

I am to the point where most of me wants to go back to the unknown and part wants to stay and find the greatness in what could be.

So I lie in wait.

I don't control either path. I feel I have more options in the former and am relying on someone else in the latter. I don't want to wait for someone in the former, yet I want them to be absolute on their love for me.

Right now I feel abandoned. My "lover" and I live as two units. He in his bubble and me in mine.

We have the potential to be great and we both know it. We have talked about it. Yet something is missing. We are two lost souls searching for answers. Trying to be the rock for the other and both personally suffering an internal battle we don't know how to fight.


This is my battle. What's yours?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Paul's Perspective

As you may or may not know, I am on a personal quest of finding my “Self” and my identity. Today while pursuing the web, I found myself engulfed and intrigued by this video.



Now, I do my best to stay away from the political arena in conversation but I have become angry enough (1 billionth of a volt of energy to be precise or so I have heard), to spread knowledge and provide options to people who are like me, finding their way through life on day, moment, and breath at a time.

I got a feeling that Ron Paul often times because isn't accepted he speaks at a level the average American does not understand but if you really listen to his, and his son, Rand Paul’s, message, you may find your current views are reflected in part or more than where you’re current political alliance may be. I have watched it a few times, and I am intrigued by the power it could hold. If you agree or disagree or are indifferent, I would love to know your thoughts.

Cheers!
Rikki

Finding my "Self"

On my path to identity, I decided to begin dedicating myself to writing, so I have been documenting my brain dumps. Brain dumps are what I do when I feel calm and truly alive. If I have an idea, inspiration, a goal, a want, or a need. I go to my word processing document or my iPhone to send an email to myself with everything that comes out. Usually its a list of items. I most often feel this way after my yoga and meditations, which I have come to love. I am still working on getting yoga and meditation into my daily routine, but each day I devote myself to at least 4 posses (child’s, down dog, rag doll and savasana the resting poses). Since beginning, the time has expanded, while the lapse in days have gotten shorter. It is a continual process, but I am feeling liberated and hope you find your “self” also.

However, you may be asking, why is she saying my “self” instead of myself? Well, the CliffNotes version is that I believe each person has their own identity and purpose. They have personal choices, that determines the path of their destiny. God, Buddha, Jesus or the like may be what you turn to for that feeling, but whatever your path, find yourself and find your way.

I want to share with you a process that has allowed me to grow exponentially in the recent past. I am finding myself living even more in the moment than I ever have before, yet I am better organized and less stressed. I am at a phase where I am looking for sources. Be it happiness, pain or feeling any emotions such as anger, rage, or others of a negative connotation or positive emotions that arise such as inspiration, being intrigued, curious, interested etc. I follow this simple process in finding my “self”

1. STOP what I'm doing
2. STOP thinking
2. BREATHE. Take at least one BIG breath. Fill my lungs, pause, slowly let it all out. I prefer 3-10 depending on how intense the emotion I feel.
3. REFLECT. Each situation is different, but I am finding I am learning to identify a source.
4. ACCEPT it. Now is the time to accept the emotion. Not easy. I often have to repeat steps 2 and 3 again.
5. RELEASE. Take another big breath, deep breath. I feel the emotion in my body (literally) so when I breathe in I "gather" the emotion in my breath. When I release, I feel the negative energy go with the breath out of my body. Right now its taking me 3-10 deep, slow breaths to release the energy and friction the emotion is causing inside me.
6. RECOGNIZE how much lighter I feel.
MOVE ON on with what I am doing. I always feel lighter, happier, calmer and even inspired much of the time.
With this process, I am growing and it feels great! I truly have to work at it. I am forcing myself to live life the way I always dreamed and it is empowering!

Do you have a process that works for you? If so, please share. I look forward to what comes next on our search for our “Selves”.

~ Rikki

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Transitioning

At this point I seem to potentially be one of the lucky CoAs. My father was released on March 15th. I saw him for the first time since he looked me in the eyes and lied to my mother and me. I prepared myself for the worst, feeling that it was going to be the same old conflict and chaos. To my surprise, he has been pleasant, apologetic and openminded. All characteristics that "my father" never displayed in the past.

He has always been a nice person to outsiders, but was often a nightmare to deal with as a family member. I am sure most my family would agree. In the last five days, my father and I have discussed things that used to be taboo as far as he or I was concerned. Never could we discuss alcoholism, relationships or finances because the conclusion always turned to an intense argument.

I spend seven hours with him yesterday discussing all those topics and more. I was happy to hear the words "I am an alcoholic and I am committed to my sobriety for the first time in my life because I now recognize that I am unable to even take one drink." Not only this, but he also apologized to me for lying, being uncooperative and judgmental. After that he even apologized for pushing his views on my and not letting me live my own life as I see fit.

As shocked as I was, my advice to myself is simply this:

Alcoholics and children of alcoholics are one in the same when it comes to living with demons. Life is best lived in the present moment, one breath at a time.

I truly hope I can look back five, ten, twenty years down the road at these conversations and tell him how proud of him I am that he stuck to his word. However, I will not allow myself to fall victim as I have in the past by instantaneously believe each word that flies out of his mouth.

Do you find yourself struggling between truth and lies with the alcoholic in your life? I would love to hear your stories.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Moving Past Self Doubt

I am finishing the last class of my MBA and we are assigned teams to work in each week for a project that is due as a final for the course. This being the required last course ofthe program means that each peer is also ready to graduate.

During my entire experience as an MBA student I have led my teams and steered them, as the online model at Argosy is different and often confusing to those newly exposed.

Based mainly on capturing the essence of a real world environment, I have enjoyed the style Argosy provides. I hve learned great I formation and dealt with several experiences in my own businesses that had the potential for completely different outcomes. I feel comfortable leading people. However, for some reason in this online environment, with others who are ready to graduate, I feel as though I don't compare. I feel weak and I question the quality of my work.

As child of an alcoholic, I understand this phenomenon particularly well. This is a common trait among ACoAs. We compare ourselves to others and over critique ourselves.

The truth is, why does it matter?Does it matter to you? If so, why? For me the answer comes simply. My childhood was revolved around winning. Maily athletic competition, but that eventually seeped into my acedemics and all other areas of my life.

I have set the goal for me to recognizing this emotion, understanding the emotion and then planning how to relieve myself of these negative feelings. Without the negative feelings, I can perform and learn at my best.

When I work through this process of building my self-esteem, I know I am truly living the path I have chosen for myself. . . One breath at a time.

Do you often experience a road block to your success and contriute it to the alcoholism you sufferred?

-Rikki
Live Life One Breath at a Time.

Location:AZ

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Release Day

Okay...it's time. I have been putting this post off for months. Many nights, I sift through memories in search of a place to begin this first entry, again. I began the adventure of "I'm coming up for air" in hopes of helping others. The problem was, I had yet to face myself.

I took a step back, to search for ways to handle the day my dad got out of prison. Here it is March 15, 2010 at 11:45pm. Release day.

With no car, no house, no job and no money my dad was fortunate to have a brother and a sister-in-law who are kind and caring enough to take him in until he gets on his feet. No one else in his circle of friends or family were rushing to help him.i certainly wasn't. Too many bridges have been burnt too many times. Maybe in time trust will return. Until then this is my journey as a twenty-something female, lost in translation.

. . . I crossed my boundary tonight. Many of you know what I'm taking about. The boundary between what you want to be and what is coded in your genetics.

See my dog accidentally slid into me from behind causing my back to be potentially fractured, so the doc gave me extra strength vicodin. I know I'm prone to addiction so I have been careful about taking more than I need. Today I woke up late but was doing well not taking any pain killers today, but as the day and pain wore on I took one more pill than I should have hoping to relax in the jacuzzi. Instead, I got sick when I got out.

See I have many generations of alcoholics in my family, that the likelihood of being an alcoholic myself is considerably high. This is something I have to deal with everytime I am around alcohol.

The average person doesn't have to tell themselves "No more than "x" drinks tonight. I, on the otherhand, do have to remind myself of the consequences of my actions if I drink too much. I limit myself to 3-4 drinks or "as prescribed" so I don't fuel the addiction.

The same holds true for everything else like the pain meds. I will not let the cycle continue. Alcoholism in my blood will become weaker if I live appropriately and teach my children effectively the dangers, consequences, genetic connection etc.

That is my goal here. I image the first few post will be a slew of mumbo jumbo and nonsense, but what the hell. It's my therapy.






Location:Queen Creek, Az, United States

Posted by TimeforLIfeVA at 12:30 AM

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-Rikki
Live Life One Breath at a Time.

Location:Arizona